Imagine Me&You?

I hate this movie.

I mean I love it. I love it because lilies mean “I dare you to love me.” And “I want you.” And, God, there’s fucking soccer. And it’s Lena Heady and Piper Perabo. And and–>

“Don’t forget me.”

“I won’t remember anything else.”

But Goddamn. Why do lesbian movies always have to be about finding yourself. I want a lesbian movie where being gay isn’t the scariest thing in the entire world-even when it is. I love the L Word, but there isn’t enough of stories like it. I want real love stories with gorgeous women who fall in love with one another and don’t want to off themselves for it.

Give me a story about sunsets. Give me a long distance romance about two girls who are desperate about one another. Give me a ballet where the lead dancer is fucking her understudy. Give me poetry infused with breasts and tongues and clits, hands tracing curves and sounds mewling in the echoes of the night.

Give me love-not fear-and show all the women of the world that it’s okay to fall in love-

even with one another.

 

2011
01/05
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Christmas

Mondays child is fair of face,
Tuesdays child is full of grace,
Wednesdays child is full of woe,
Thursdays child has far to go,
Fridays child is loving and giving,
Saturdays child works hard for his living,
And the child that is born on the Sabbath day
Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay

Basically, this is where my name comes from. I was born on October 9, 1991. It was a Wednesday, which, according to this old British nursery rhyme, means I am “full of woe.” This rhyme inspired the naming of Wednesday Friday Addams, of the Addams Family. Her middle name was chosen because the poem’s 1887 version switched Friday and Wednesday and Thursday and Saturday.

Personally, I like the latter version better. I would much rather be “full of woe” than “loving and giving”-more personality that way, as far as I’m concerned. The name “Mittwoch’s Elend” means “Wednesday’s Misery.” Surprisingly enough, the girlfriend was also born on a Wednesday.

Today is “I can totally give birth in six months to a healthy baby” Day, better known as Christmas.

Or at least it is for another ten minutes. I had a pretty good Christmas. We opened presents, I got to see my best friend for the first time in three weeks, and my grandparents made really good food. But there’s still a part of me that misses my girl, who’s currently more than a thousand miles away from me. She actually believes in God still, while I prefer to take a “God is Dead” approach to life. I told daddy that a few days ago and he was livid. I don’t particularly care. If I end up in Hell, at least I’ll have earned it.

Besides, according to Nietzsche, “In Heaven, all the interesting people are missing.” Might as well be amused if I’m going to be stuck somewhere for eternity. Personally, I think if there is a God, He’s too absorbed in more important things to pay attention to whether or not I believe in Him. That’s like the president getting miffed because one guy didn’t vote for him. He’s still God, with or without my faith.

Sometimes, my agnosticism gives me a headache.

Enjoy the last two minutes of Christmas 🙂

2010
12/26
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Insomnia

I used to have a blog. But then I found tumblr, and I fell in love with the idea of it. The only problem with tumblr is my obsession with words and how I never felt my words were articulate enough on the site. I couldn’t dress them up with pretty pictures or sadness. I’m not artistic or lonely enough for that. They were just my words, spread across the paper in black and white like a man on a torture rack. Only they revealed my sins long before the Spanish Inquisition showed up. I’ve always been pretty good at owning up to the things I’ve done wrong, even romanticizing them so I look three times as bad as I really am. But I think, overall, I’m a decent person. After all, “Cruelty is a matter of perspective,” as my hero, Captain Jack Sparrow, would say.

I have a final tomorrow. I have lunch at twelve and work at one and a final at 3:00 that I haven’t studied for. So It’s almost three in the morning and instead of looking at my notes I’m reading L Word fanfiction and writing. I can’t help it. It’s a history final, it doesn’t even really matter. I’ll do fine on it without trying and then I’ll study for French and then it’ll be Thursday and my girlfriend will be leaving for Texas. For three weeks.

I’m trying to be okay with this, I really am. But distance makes me nervous. And we can totally blame the ex-girlfriend that moved across country and then promptly dropped me on my face, but I feel like that’s placing too much blame on a girl who was fifteen at the time. Let’s just say I don’t trust myself enough to behave, I don’t think I’m a good enough person to keep anyone entertained when I can’t use sex as a handcuff, and I’m scared she’s going to realize she wants the picturesque family more than she wants me and I’m going to lose her to a man.

Hi. I’m Nicole. I’m neurotic and compulsive. I say crude things because they’re honest and I say most of the things I say because no one else will. I’m 19 and I’m studying history at a Women’s college. I live in Jersey. I don’t believe in God but I do believe in Nietzsche. I have an amazing girlfriend that I’m completely in love with. This is my blog. Feel free to read it, if you can handle the rambling nature that makes Virginia Woolf look like Ernest Hemingway. If not, I suggest leaving now. Even worse: if you don’t know who Woolf or Hemingway is, leave now.

That was our break up.

It’s you, not me.

2010
12/15
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